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 Jokes Of the Day!!!

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Little Toot
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PostSubject: Jokes Of the Day!!!   January 23rd 2010, 8:32 pm

Have a joke you want to share? Come on let us all see it!


Last edited by Lil Toot on April 17th 2010, 11:09 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Little Toot
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   January 23rd 2010, 8:32 pm

A married couple went to the hospital for their baby's
delivery.
Upon arrival, the Dr said that the hospital was testing an amazing new hi-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's
labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The Dr set the pain transfer
to 10%, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced.
But, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine &
asked the Dr to kick it up a notch.
The Dr adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The Dr checked the husband's blood pressure & was
amazed at how well he was doing. So they decided to try 50%.
The husband continued to feel fine & since the pain
transfer was obviously helping the wife, the husband told the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
She delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain &
the hubby experienced none. Everyone was ecstatic with the outcome.
When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.
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Little Toot
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   January 24th 2010, 7:03 pm

Confucius says, to make eggroll, push it !

Confucius says, He who stand on toilet, is high on pot.

Confucius says, He who laughs lasts, thinks slowest

Confucius says, A man with a watch always knows what time it is.
A man with 2 watches is never sure.

Confucius says, Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing

Confucius says, Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house

Confucius says, Virgin like balloon: one prick, all gone

Confucius says, Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed.

Confucius says, Man kicked in testicles, left holding bag

confusius say-oral sex make one's day.Anal sex make one's hole weak!

confusius say baseball all wrong-man with 4 balls cannot walk.

confucius say It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it

confucius say a man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!!!
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TurboJoe
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PostSubject: The Dentist   January 25th 2010, 4:49 pm

Dentist with a good sense of humor....
The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"
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Little Toot
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   January 25th 2010, 7:34 pm

LOL!! Nice! Laughing
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TurboJoe
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   January 25th 2010, 8:57 pm

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together
over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
"Yes," she says, 'I remember it well.'
"OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'


A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.


The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.


So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

Now this gets too good....Scroll down



















'Sixty years ago

that wasn't

an electric fence.
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amac
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PostSubject: drunks   January 26th 2010, 7:43 pm

Two drunks sit down beside each other on the sidewalk and this dog runs right up in front of them and curls around and starts licking himself between his legs. The one drunk looks at the other one and says damn I wish I could do that the other one says go ahead and do it I don,t think he,LL bite you!!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   January 28th 2010, 7:51 pm

I herd myspace just bought out facebook there going to call it Myface
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Toot
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   February 4th 2010, 12:44 pm

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TurboJoe
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   February 7th 2010, 7:51 am

The Drunk

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.



A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.



A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.



The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.



What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"



I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my Balls"



The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot!



You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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amac
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   February 14th 2010, 9:59 am

Whats the three most awful words you can hear while you,re making love ? HONEY I,M HOME !!!
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Firebird Benson
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   February 21st 2010, 10:33 pm

It was the first day of Sex Ed. The teacher asks, does anyone not want to be taking this class? The youn girl raises her hand and says, yes. The teacher asks, Why? The girl then says I was told the final exam is ORAL.
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amac
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   February 24th 2010, 9:28 pm

This guy in a pickup gets pulled over by a policeman. The officer says excuse me sir but have you been drinking ? The guy looks at the officer and asks are there two big fat naked women in the back of my truck ? The officer looks and says no. The guy responds then I haven,t been drinking LOL
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Little_Moterhead
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   March 3rd 2010, 9:02 pm

lol!
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Little_Moterhead
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   March 3rd 2010, 9:31 pm

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
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amac
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   March 3rd 2010, 10:24 pm

It is illegal to teach sex ed. and divers ed. in the same day in west VA. because the mule gets to tired LOL
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Little Toot
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   March 4th 2010, 5:03 pm

LOL! Wow Skip...........
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TurboJoe
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   March 8th 2010, 4:16 pm

Irish Joke

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her
Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write
to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye
put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the
sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside
plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a
breath)............... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve
on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a big hug.......
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Little Toot
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   March 8th 2010, 6:32 pm

LOL!!!
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TurboJoe
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   March 9th 2010, 12:01 am

The Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the
> pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight
> into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some
> cyanide.'
>
>
>
>
>
> The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need
> cyanide?'
>
>
>
>
>
> The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my
> husband.'
>
>
>
>
>
> The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord
> have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your
> husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
> They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad
> things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have
> any cyanide!'
>
>
>
>
>
> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a
> picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
> wife.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
> 'Well now, that's different..... You didn't tell me
> you had a prescription.
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moterhead
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   March 10th 2010, 1:13 pm

Two buddies, Bob and Phil, are getting very drunk at a
bar when suddenly Bob throws up all over himself..

'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'

Phil says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a
twenty in your breastpocket and tell your wife that someone
threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry
cleaning bill.'

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even
drunker. Eventually Bob stumbles home and his wife starts to
give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've
puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,
Bob says, 'Nowaitaminit, I can e'splain everythin.
Itsh snot wha jewthink I only had a cupla drrrinks. But
thiss other guy got ssick on me..he had one too many and he
juss koudin hold hizz liquor.. He said he's was verrry
sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But
this is forty Bucks..'

'Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he sh__t in my pants, too.
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TurboJoe
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   March 10th 2010, 1:16 pm

lol!
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Little Toot
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   March 10th 2010, 5:26 pm

Ahahahahahahahahaha!
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amac
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   March 11th 2010, 7:01 am

That there is funny and I don,t care who you are LOL
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TurboJoe
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes Of the Day!!!   March 12th 2010, 3:48 pm

OLD BIKER

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER : $2.00�
HAMBURGER : $2.25�
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50�
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50�
HAND JOB : $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
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